god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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