A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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