A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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