I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
