you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize