saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Welp...herpes.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
