i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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