i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
