i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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