my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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