where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
