kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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