There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize