I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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