after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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