why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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