My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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