he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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