I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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