i may or may not be watching the land before time
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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