He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I faked an abortion last night.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
