you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
