you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
