Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize