Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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