you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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