I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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