on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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