If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Randomize
