Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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