Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My breasts were aching with rage.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
