me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
