Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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