I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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