Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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