If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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