Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
