he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
