I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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