dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The air was thick with penises
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
