i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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