this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
