Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
