Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
