I think I am morally bankrupt
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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