I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just had sex bonerless
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
