You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
