i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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