I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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