i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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