Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
