This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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