I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm too high and old for this...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
