I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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