Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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