it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
