They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
