look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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