it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
