Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize