You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
