Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize