Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
