i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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