The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
