I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
