I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
