wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
