My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize