Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
