Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
