she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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